


Remedy

by angelwing



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Lots of kissing, M/M, Missing Scene, Pre-Canon, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:05:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3624252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelwing/pseuds/angelwing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a boy, Rick was taught that kisses make everything better.</p><p>...Almost everything.</p><p>In which Rick Macy learns that kisses can't solve every problem and they certainly can't heal every wound.</p><p>(short story for the In the Flesh Short Story Project!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remedy

“I’m gonna get you, Rick!”

Small hands reached out, little legs running forward as the eight year old boy ran towards his best friend, a wide grin on his face. The other boy, just a bit larger but not particularly taller, stood in the middle of the grassy field with a long stick in his hand. He had found it earlier, just outside of the woods, and was quite proud of its size. Now, it had become his weapon and main tool of defense against the terrible monster that was after him.

Said monster being his best friend, of course. Rick brandished the stick threateningly. “Get back! Get back or I’ll have no choice but to stab you! Right in the head!” He jabbed the stick in the direction of the other boy’s head, to make a point, but his attacker didn’t seem afraid.

The monster came closer to Rick, who continued to run from him with his stick in his hand, yelling out threats occasionally. The game was like tag, except neither of them really knew what happened once Rick was finally caught (there had been some debate, but Rick was stubbornly certain of the fact that being caught was symbolic for being murdered, and his dad had told him that once you were dead you stayed dead forever, and thus the game was over).

Finally, the monster caught up to Rick. He reached out again, quickly approaching, close enough that he could reach out and grab him...

Suddenly, there was a cry of pain, and the game came to an immediate halt as the advancing monster dropped to the ground, whimpering and clutching his shoulder. Rick stopped running and turned, eyes going wide with worry. “Ren!”

Having broken character and clearly no longer a monster, Kieren sat, sniffling and biting down hard on his lower lip in an attempt not to cry. “Y’stabbed me,” he muttered, rubbing his shoulder again. “Wi- With your stick…”

Rick immediately sat down beside Kieren in the grass, and pried the other boy’s hands away from the injury. He inspected it carefully, brow furrowing at the sight of the reddened mark on his shoulder, where the stick had been jabbed into him. “Sorry,” he said quietly, reaching out to gently place a hand on his shoulder. “Didn’t mean to.”

“I know,” Kieren said quietly. He sniffled again. “Just hurts is all.”

Rick sighed, feeling genuinely terrible. He looked down at the stick in his hand, proud of it, proud of finding it, proud of how nice of a weapon it had made. But now it also made him feel sick, and he turned back to look at the reddened mark on his best friend with a frown on his face.

He leaned in and placed a kiss to the top of Kieren’s shoulder.

The other boy flinched, and then turned, staring at Rick with wide, incredulous eyes. “What’d you do that for?!”

Instead of answering, Rick looked at the stick once more. It made such a nice weapon… but if it hurt Ren, it was no good. He promptly snapped it in half, before throwing both parts out into the grass. Then he turned back to Kieren, who was still staring at him with those huge, dark eyes of his. “M- Mum says that kisses make things better. She said t’tell her if I ever get hurt because she can kiss it and it’ll stop hurting. ...But I was scared that if I told yer mum about hurting you she’d be mad, so I thought I’d do it instead.”

“Oh.” Kieren nodded.

Rick was quiet for a minute, looking down at the ground now. “D- D’you feel better?”

Kieren shrugged. “A little.” The small red mark was starting to fade back to a normal skin tone.

“That’s good.” Rick stood up, and offered a hand out to Kieren, pulling him to his feet. “D’you wanna keep playing? I won’t use a stick this time.”

xxx

Rick ran through the door without bothering to knock. He looked around, eyes wide with worry, breathing heavy after having sprinted from his house to the Walker’s after his mother had told him that Kieren had finally come home. “Ren?!”

A woman with short brown hair entered from the kitchen. She smiled as she saw the twelve year old boy standing there, practically trembling with anticipation and worry. “He’s napping in his room right now, Rick. You’re welcome to go wake him up, though.”

“Is he doing alright?” Rick asked anxiously. “I mean… I mean, the doctor didn’t hurt him, right?”

“He’s fine, Rick.” the woman promised with a nod and an even wider smile. “Just has a scar. Go up and see him if you like. I’m baking cookies right now, you’re welcome to them when they’re done.”

With a quick but perfectly polite “thank you Misses Walker!”, Rick was sprinting away, up to his best friend’s room. Again, he didn’t bother to knock, but rather burst in, looking around and then spotting Kieren asleep on the bed. “Ren!?”

Kieren let out a little groan and sat up just a bit, before he saw Rick in the doorway and smiled weakly. “Rick!”

Rick ran over immediately. He sat down beside Kieren on the bed, staring anxiously, eyes wandering all over his body, currently covered by soft pajamas and a thick blanket, checking to make sure he was in one piece. “Y’okay, Ren?”

Kieren nodded, smiling as he sat up the rest of the way. “Look at this,” His eyes lit up, and he pulled his shirt up, taking it off and throwing it aside before pointing to his side. There was a cut there, long and pink and stitched together. “That’s where they did the surgery to get rid of my appendix,” he explained.

A little sigh of relief left Rick at that. “Oh, that’s it?” Considering Kieren had been away for a week, Rick had imagined something terrible had happened. At the very _least_ he had expected some broken bones. “Does it hurt?”

Kieren gave a shrug. “I dunno. I mean, I’m taking meds right now, and it doesn’t hurt usually, only when they start to wear off.”

Rick reached out, gently brushing a finger beneath the scar, circling around it lightly without ever actually touching it. “I’m really glad yer okay, Ren.” he said softly. Kieren hummed, watching Rick’s finger move around the scar. “Dad wouldn’t tell me what happened. Just said you had gone to the hospital. Said it didn’t concern me anyway. I was so scared…”

After a moment of silence, Kieren not saying a word, perfectly content just sitting there watching Rick and Rick just relieved that his best friend was still in one piece, Rick leaned forward, bending a bit to kiss just above the scar. Kieren shivered, but a grin quickly found its way onto his face. “Think that’ll help it heal faster?”

Rick shrugged, face ever so slightly red as he pulled away to sit upright in front of Kieren once more. “Dunno. Worth a try, though, right? Maybe it’ll at least make the meds last longer.”

xxx

Rick sat in the cave. It was dark and quiet, and he wasn’t entirely sure Kieren was going to show up. He hadn’t been to school for the past two days… But ever since he had been banned from seeing Kieren, they had promised to meet up in their secret hideout in the woods every Thursday. It was Thursday now, and Rick was forcing himself to believe that Kieren would in fact show up.

But it was getting late, and Rick would need to be home for dinner soon. He sat there, anxious and worried and so, so angry, because if they weren’t banned from seeing each other, if Kieren himself hadn’t been _banned_ by his father, he could just call him up and ask.

But he couldn’t do that. Rick had heard before, that coming out of the closet was risky and dangerous and could make your life hell (there was a reason he wasn’t out himself, after all), but he hadn’t really expected Kieren’s coming out to be met with a reaction like _that_ from his father…

Either way, Rick was beginning to lose hope. In fact, he was just about to stand up and leave when he heard a voice from outside of the cave call out, 

“Rick?!”

Immediately, Rick was up, running to the front of the cave to find Kieren. He let out a relieved laugh. Kieren was in one piece. He looked healthy. Nothing bad had happened… “Where’ve you been, Ren?” he asked, grabbing his hand and leading him into the cave.

Kieren took in a deep breath. “Went to the city with me parents. T- To get some tests done.” he explained, sitting down in the cave now, back to the wall. “Saw a few doctors.”

“Oh?” Rick furrowed his brow, his expression dropping instantly as he grew worried and sat down beside Kieren. “What for, Ren? You… sick or something?” he asked hesitantly. Because there was something in Kieren’s tone…

Kieren bit his lip. “They said this stuff is normal when you’re… like me. That lots of the time the pressures of coming out and shit, that it causes this sort of thing. A- And chemical imbalances in the brain, th- that’s why I have to take the medication.” Rick did not understand, and he continued to stare, brow furrowed in confusion and worry. Kieren sighed. “I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, Rick. Like, the mental illness sort of anxiety and depression.”

Rick nodded at that. He still did not entirely understand. But he knew what those were, and he had a very minimal understanding of how bad it could be, to have either of those things. And, deep in the back of his mind, he thought over Kieren’s words, and realized that it was his father’s - and by extension, _his_ \- fault that he was like this now. His father had been the biggest source of pressure after coming out, hadn’t he?

Swallowing hard, Rick asked quietly, “‘S there anything I can do to help?”

Kieren shook his head. “Don’t think so.” He sighed, resting his head against Rick’s shoulder. He was a bit taller than Rick, actually, but Rick was larger and sturdier than he was and he felt comfortable resting against him. “Just be here, okay? I’m taking medication right now and my parents are keeping an eye on me, I’ll see a doctor again if it gets bad. Just like any other sickness, yeah?”

“Except it’s in your head…” Rick muttered weakly, and he sounded so worried. Kieren’s heart fluttered a bit, because the fact that Rick was so worried made him… well, happy. He wanted Rick to care about him, and he appreciated the concern from him more than anything else in the world.

“Yeah. That’s why they call it a mental illness.” Kieren’s tone was just a little sarcastic, but he smiled at Rick, to show that he didn’t mean any harm by it.

Rick hesitated, staring at Kieren worriedly for a moment, trying to understand, trying to not blame himself. It wasn’t like mental illness was the end of the world. It wasn’t like he would leave Kieren for it. But he knew it was hard. And he knew it was partly his fault. Because since coming out, there had been that stress. First the stress of being banned from his house. Then the stress of hiding their friendship. Then the stress of hiding their _relationship_. And that was on top of any other prejudice he was facing from other people. He, his _best friend_ , maybe even his _boyfriend_ , had been a huge contributor to the stress that had hurt him like this. And he couldn’t fix it. He couldn’t reverse the damage he had done.

But...

Rick leaned in and pressed a kiss to the top of Kieren’s head. Kieren’s hair was soft against his mouth and tickled a bit, but he didn’t particularly mind. Kieren closed his eyes, humming happily and pressing closer to Rick’s shoulder.

xxx

Kisses don’t cure mental illness.

Not that they made it worse, either. Two years without anything particularly bad happening at the result of mental illness wasn’t exactly something to complain about, and Kieren seemed okay, for the most part.

Except today, Kieren was nowhere to be found in school, which was odd, because Rick had met up with him at the cave just a day before and he had said he would be there. He looked around for him, eyeing the doorways of his classes during passing periods and constantly on the lookout for him. He lost a good portion of lunchtime searching for him. When school ended, he immediately went out looking for him.

He finally found him in the den.

At first, he was relieved, because he had been looking everywhere for him and finding him now, safe and alive and even in a familiar location, was the biggest relief he could imagine. But Kieren was acting funny. He tugged a bit at his sleeves as he entered, looked around as if trying to find an easy way to escape. And he was paler than usual, like he was scared.

Relief was replaced with confusion as Rick noticed these odd mannerisms. “Everything okay, Ren?” he asked. “Why weren’t you at school today? Y’said you’d be there yesterday…”

Kieren looked around again. “Didn’t… feel up to it.” he explained quietly. “I mean…” He shrugged in an unconvincing attempt to be casual. “I just needed a break for a day or two.”

Furrowing his brow, Rick took a step forward, noting the way Kieren flinched as he approached. “Do… d’your parents know?” Kieren gave another shrug, and Rick became fully determined to figure out the cause of all of this. He reached forward and grabbed Kieren’s wrist. “C’mon, Ren, just-”

Kieren let out a cry of pain, eyes going wide as he pulled back immediately. He grabbed his own wrist, rubbing it gently through the thick hoodie sleeve, and Rick frowned. That shouldn’t have hurt…

“Y- Your wrist okay, Ren?”

Kieren blinked, and there was a look of someone who had been caught red handed on his face. Wide, nervous eyes gazed at Rick almost pleadingly, although neither knew what exactly he was pleading for. He bit his lip, swallowed hard, then let go of his wrist and let it hang at his side again.

But he didn’t respond, so Rick asked again, “Y’okay, Ren?”

Kieren suddenly began to cry.

He wasn’t sobbing. He wasn’t letting out much sound at all, really. But the tears were visible, and the way he looked down at his feet, his body shivering just a bit and a few weak whimpers leaving his throat, was enough to indicate that he was currently crying. Rick walked up to him, taking him gently by the upper arms now and pulling him into a tight hug. “What happened?” he asked softly.

Kieren pulled away enough that he could take his hoodie off. Then he held his wrists out for Rick, who sucked in a sharp breath, eyes going wide and stomach lurching.

The cuts weren’t deep. It didn’t look like he had had any drastic intention behind them. But there were a lot, and they were fresh, and the soft skin of the underside of his wrists were red and swollen and bloody.

Rick looked up at Kieren’s face now, eyes wide. “Wh- Why’d you hurt yourself, Ren?” His voice was weak and hoarse.

Kieren shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I don’t know, Rick. I just… was hurting. I felt like everything was too much and nothing would stop and I just wanted to…” He shrugged once more, and walked into Rick’s arms now, pressing into his chest. “I wanted to feel like I had control over how I hurt for once.”

Rick shook his head desperately at that, wrapping his arms tight around Kieren and squeezing him. “Bullshit! Don’t hurt yourself. It’s not okay.” He pressed his face into Kieren’s shoulder, squeezing him tightly still.

“Don’t tell my mum and dad.” Kieren said softly.

“What if you hurt yourself again?! What if it’s worse next time?” Rick pulled away to stare at Kieren with wide, fearful eyes. “What if I’m not here to find you in time?”

Kieren rolled his eyes. “What does _in time_ mean? This isn’t leading up to anything. I wasn’t gonna fucking off myself, Rick.” He sat down, drawing his knees to his chest and hugging them. “If I _do_ do this again, it’s not going to be any worse than it already is.” 

Rick sat down in front of Kieren. “Y’can’t just hurt yourself, Ren.”

Kieren let out a soft sigh, watching Rick’s expression. He really did look scared. Genuinely, honestly scared. He shook his head. “I’ll be alright, Rick. Long as you’re with me I’ll be alright.” He smiled a bit and reached forward, grabbing Rick’s hand and squeezing it.

Rick looked down, staring at the swollen wrist. He bit his lip, disgusted, but not in a nauseated way. More in a fear-inducing, worry-filled way. Regardless of what Kieren said, he was worried about him. He was scared, and he needed him to stay safe, because life was already hell. Living with an abusive father who wanted the most important person in his life dead and would probably kick _him_ out too, if he had even the smallest idea of his sexual orientation - That was hell. And Kieren was the closest thing to Heaven he had.

Bringing Kieren’s arm up, he ever-so-gently pressed a loving kiss to the top of his wrist, just above where the scars began. Then he started to kiss lower, letting his lips brush so, so lightly over open wounds and swollen flesh. Kieren bit back a whimper, so Rick looked up, watching his face for a minute.

“That hurt?”

“N- No, you’re fine,”

Rick smiled just a bit and went back to kissing him, bringing Kieren’s other arm up to administer the same treatment to the wounds there as well. “Just want them to get better as fast as possible.”

xxx

They had both died.

Kieren had trouble wrapping his mind around it. Because he looked over at Rick and there he was. Just like always. Just like he had always been. Right by his side. But he was dead. He had died. And so had he. They had both _died_ , and now here they were, together. Dead.

And Rick hadn’t changed much, but things still felt different. Because Kieren had killed himself, and Rick had been killed in Afghanistan. And it was impossible to forget, because Rick’s face was scarred and he walked with a limp, and Kieren's arms were scarred and his face was covered in mousse that he couldn’t even feel.

And they walked through the woods together, just like before, just like always, but this time they were _hunting_. They were hunting for people like them. And soon they would catch up to the other people - living people, people who hadn’t died. And _they were both dead_. And there was a heavy, awkward silence between them, because Rick was still trying to swallow the fact that Kieren had killed himself, still trying to even begin to comprehend the immense guilt and anger that swelled within him.

And then, awkwardly, Rick asked, “How’d you do it, Ren? You… you leave a note?”

Kieren turned at that, eyebrows furrowed as he stared at Rick in the darkness of the forest. His eyes were wide and he looked so… lost, Rick’s mind supplied. He looked lost and scared. Like he was in an unfamiliar location and didn’t know how to get home. “No,” he said quietly. “No, I… I just left.” He didn’t have the heart to tell Rick where he had killed himself, as if suddenly embarrassed, like he had soiled their special place and he didn’t want it ruined for Rick too.

“Y’left?” Rick didn’t understand, or wanted more information than that.

Kieren nodded awkwardly, and his eyes wandered to the ground as they walked. “Ran away with me dad’s swiss army knife.”

Rick stopped dead in his tracks at that. “Swiss army knife? You offed yourself with a bloody swiss army knife?!” And there was a tone to his voice that surprised Kieren. A tone he couldn’t completely place. He sounded… _protective_ , maybe.

Swallowing, Kieren looked around nervously, as if worried that Bill or Gary or Dean would show up out of the blue, yell at them for taking so damn long and asking where the hell they’d been, before slowly, hesitantly pulling up the sleeves of his jacket to reveal just a bit of the deep, fatal wounds that marked each wrist.

Rick sucked in a breath.

“L- Looks like it hurt.” he said, words weak but devoid of emotion as he seemed to be trying to take it in.

Kieren didn’t say anything. It _had_ hurt, but he hadn’t been thinking about the pain at the time. At least, not the physical pain. He swallowed, and went to pull his sleeves back down, when he was stopped. Rick had grabbed his hand, gently squeezed it, and said, “Scars don’t heal on, er… people like us, do they?”

Kieren blinked, looking between Rick’s hand and his face. “N- No, they don’t.”

Rick frowned. “That’s too bad.”

But Kieren understood, and he bit his lip, staring at Rick’s face for a moment longer, trying to ignore the scar there because for a moment, just a split second, he wanted to pretend that they _weren’t_ dead. That Rick _hadn’t_ run away to the army. That he _hadn’t_ died alone in a cave. “Y’can... try anyway, though.”

Rick looked up at Kieren’s face with surprise at that, eyes meeting his, reading his expression in an attempt to figure out if they were on the same page or not. Then, a faint smile played over his lips for just a moment and he shrugged. “Yeah,”

Rick brought Kieren’s wrist to his mouth and kissed it, ever so lightly. Kieren sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, not wanting to watch. His eyes were still closed as Rick took hold of his other hand, kissed the injured wrist on that one as well, and then let go of both.

A moment passed, and neither said a word.

Then Kieren took in another breath and opened his eyes, and he was staring at Rick’s face again. In the darkness of the woods he couldn’t see his scar very well, and the shadows made it impossible to tell if they had cover up mousse on or just normal, living flesh.

Kieren was still silent as he turned, beginning to walk once more. Rick bit his lip, watching for a moment, before following after him through the dark forest.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because happiness is my middle name and i love to have fun :')
> 
> No but really. I'm a terrible person idk what made me think writing this was a good idea because it's sad af and Awful but I saw the theme of the short story project was "emotion" and rather than focus on a specific emotion I thought... Rick and Kieren's emotions throughout their childhood and with specific emphasis on different forms of pain that Kieren goes through? If that makes sense?? Yeahhh (confession I actually sent the blog that's doing this project a message asking if it was ok if I sort of ignored the theme and did my own thing bc I wanted to write this story so bad omg..)


End file.
